Events of July 14th, 2010:
We got to the hospital at 8:50 for what we thought was a 9 o'clock appointment. Turns out we had messages from Dr. Gill wondering where we were for our 7:30 appointment. Ooops. (We were honoring Amelia and her desire to be fashionably late).
Dr. Gill came in and gave the plan: give pitocin until my contractions looked how she wanted them to look in intensity and frequency. I was already having them every 6 minutes. She was looking for every two to three. She would then break my water and see what happened next.
Once we determined that the baby was still head down (you never know) and the iv was in place it was time to go. Pitocin was started and we waited. Sonia, mom, Seth, Kathy (the nurse) and I just sat around telling stories. I wasn't feeling anything much more intense than what I was feeling at home and I started to worry that maybe my stubborn body just wasn't as interested as I was in birthing a baby. Sonia insisted I just relax. Seth made coffee and lunch runs and Sonia left to go pump and looking back I can see that that is when things started to intensify because I can barely remember them. All I remember is that my mom got tuna. And I do remember thinking that I was in trouble because if Sonia left at this level of pain it was a clear indicator of how much terribly worse things could get. She knew I was OK for the next 20 minutes but maybe not for much longer and she needed to take her window.
Contractions started like I hadn't experienced. I then knew what "you can't walk or talk through them" meant and no, you can't. I sat on the ball and leaned on the bed, Seth talked me through, and mom held my hand until a break came. When Kathy asked me to rate my pain, I said a 4. They measure contractions in Montevideo units and the desired number for me was 250. My contractions were at 280 so the pitocin needed to be turned down. This was great news! Usually with a first time mom the pitocin would need to be turned up. My fear was over-- my body just needed a little jump start.
Dr. Gill came in and checked me and I was 5 cm which I found terribly discouraging considering how uncomfortable I was during a contraction. Hearing I was half way there to me sounded like I had way too far to go. The rest of the room disagreed and let out a little cheer at the 5 cm number. What was most pleasing was that my body was doing this with minimal interventions, just like I wanted. Sonia leaned over and put into perspective that I was getting the birth that I prayed for. It was happening.
Dr. Gill decided then to break my water, I can't explain why but I so dreaded this. I just wanted my body to do it on it's own and I couldn't help but notice the long stick with the menacing hook at the end. I just wanted to be left alone with my contractions. They had to push my knees apart and talk me through it. Everyone held their breath to see if the water came out clear. If there was meconium in the water we would have had a whole new plan. Mom announced it looked just like pink lemonade. Great, I guessed. Now, without the cushion of the water and the baby's head directly on my cervix, things were really supposed to move right along. And, that they did.
These contractions were something I could have never prepared for and all I wanted to do was find a position to endure them. I tried the ball, I tried all fours, and without much time in between to experiment I finally asked Sonia if I could just get on my side in the bed. She said to listen to my body. I wanted to be in a fetal position on my side. Kathy asked me to rate my pain and I said 7. Sonia held my hand from the front, Seth cradled around me from the back, and mom sat at my feet. I had a death grip on Sonia, Seth had a death grip on me, and while mom fluttered around the room fetching things and stopping to rest at my feet I pushed off of her for leverage during contractions. Yes, Sonia was right, this was the birth that I wanted. I was positive at this point that this is what natural labor was like. I rejoiced in three thoughts: one, my body was finally cooperating; two, God chose to answer this prayer the way that I hoped; and three, surely this was almost over-- my contractions were almost unbearable. It was then that I announced that I had to poop. This got everyone's attention.
Kathy went to get Dr. Gill. Dr. Gill checked me and said that I was 7 cm. This was terrible news! 7? That's it?! All I could make of that number was that I wasn't even in transition yet. I let out a groan of frustration and Sonia told me that I had just progressed 2 cm in 30 minutes and not to worry, things were moving as they should and fast. Seth figured out early on that as I coped with contractions they lasted about ten breaths of my breathing pattern. He would count them out for me, during a break prepare me for the next one, and start counting again. Breath four was the worst, breath ten the best. He put his face against mine, did the counting and encouraging, put wet rags on my head and neck as I struggled and emotionally told me how beautiful all of this was.
As Dr. Gill was leaving I told her that I have a very useful skill of knowing exactly when I have to poop, and although I made an announcement that I had to, really it was about thirty minutes away.
Contractions intensified with seemingly little to no break in between, and even if I did get a break it just meant that the next one was going to be a killer. After about a 45 second or minute rest, I dreaded the next one and started to whimper. Seth got right in my ear and said that he and I were going to deal with my top half, we were going to breathe right through it and we would let my body take care of the bottom half, all we were going to focus on was the breathing, here we go. When it was over he chuckled astounded with our team work and said that I just "punk bitched" that contraction. They just got worse and worse and closer together and closer together until paced, focused breathing was no longer an option. When three came right on top of each other, I looked around and I think I asked out loud "Are you KIDDING me?!!!!!" Sonia leaned down and said, "This is transition." God, I hoped she was right because if I was still at 7 cm, forget the epidural, general anesthesia would have been just fine.
As each contraction came I noticed myself pushing. It seemed to help with the contraction, and I had very little control over it. But, what I couldn't understand was why no one was at the foot of the bed. Unless my mom was going to deliver this baby, somebody, as far as I was concerned, needed to start getting ready. I asked Sonia if I was supposed to be pushing and again she told me to follow my body's lead. After a couple more contractions she left to go fetch Dr. Gill and let her know that she thought it was close to go time. Dr. Gill came in for another check and I told her no. I didn't want her to because I was scared she was going to say I was still at 7. Seth said we were going to get through three more contractions and then see where I was. This sounded reasonable. Kathy asked me to rate my pain and I easily answered a 10. Three contractions came fast, Dr. Gill checked me without making me move, I heard the phrase "she's complete" and the next thing I knew I was on my back getting instructions on how to push.
Apparently at some point while laboring I tore out my iv. They noticed this as they were preparing me to push and called for someone to replace it. Seth has one knee, my mom has the other, I'm writhing around in pain trying to listen to Dr. Gill teach me how to get this baby out, and some guy is trying to start another iv in my arm. I didn't cuss at anyone that day, but if I was ever close, it was this poor guy who by the way, was looking around at the team like " y'all really expect me to be able to do this." Thankfully he gave up without me having to assault him in one way or another.
I listened carefully to every word Dr. Gill said. She instructed me to focus all of my energy down and out and although I had every right to scream, instead she wanted it to come out the other end. Mom put it a little more simply. With the next contraction and the push that came with it she yelled "POOOOOOP, Ali!!! POOOOOP like you've never pooped beforrrre!!!!" With each contraction and each long push the room erupted into cheers "Just like that!""Keep going, keep going, keep going" "That's it!" "Here it comes!" but over all the chanting "POOOOOOP Ali!!! POOOOOP like you've never pooped before!!"
As intense as pushing was I was shocked to not hear crying after the first round. It definitely seemed intense enough to produce a baby. So when the second and third and fourth round came and there was still no baby, I wondered what might be wrong especially considering that I could feel the baby and could feel just how close we were. With the next contraction, Dr. Gill got on the bed and gave my stomach a shove and helped me out with the shoulders that were apparently stuck. With probably two contractions and rounds of pushing later, I felt our baby join us.
They held her up for Seth to see so he could tell me if it was a boy or a girl. He was really taking his time deciding and I ended up announcing it myself. I couldn't believe it. A little girl. A perfect little girl.
I still can't get my mind around that day and wish so much for the eloquence to describe it perfectly. I am left with only my measly words. And they are just that, words. I will forever remember the look in Sonia's eyes as she reached into my soul at the pinnacle and said only "I know." I will never forget Seth's tearfully wet face pressed up against mine telling me how beautiful I was as I delivered his baby girl. I will never forget my mom's calm excitement as she cheered for me to just simply go number two. When I think of the three of them, I am overwhelmed by how much I needed them to be exactly what they were that day. How did they know? Sonia was calm and steady, in my face with stoic words. Seth was in my ear and all around me doing nothing else but fighting this fight with me. And mom, was at my feet strong enough for me to push off of. I described this to one of my dearest friends and she said simply, "They were your trinity." Those words bring tears to my eyes still.
And so, I have forgiven my body for teasing me for almost two weeks with false/early labor. With only six hours of labor and twenty minutes of pushing, it ended up kicking ass in the end. And I have a new respect for how tight we are, my body and I. It turns out that each time I was asked to rate my pain, the number corresponded exactly with how dilated I was. And, when I said I didn't have to poop right then but would in about thirty minutes, I was only ten minutes off. My body and I are high fiving. I was knowledgable enough to know what true labor looked like which kept me out of the hospital and free of interventions. I had a supportive doctor, a supportive family, and a supportive doula all who kept me focused on my own ability to achieve what I wanted. I attribute all of this to God and Him choosing to answer this prayer of mine His way and in Hs time and His goodness to give me the exact desire of my heart--Sweet Amelia Magdeline Sullivan.
